That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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