I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
