so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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