got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
