Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
