I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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