He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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