Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
