I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
