Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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