I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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