So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
