Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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