omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
