I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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