My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
