Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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