I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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