Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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