She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
operation harelip BJ is a go
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
