You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
