If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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