i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
