Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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