I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
