Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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