She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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