Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
