guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
