watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"