Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.