I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
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The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
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you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.