well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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