Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
