Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
