I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
