i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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