I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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