Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
