Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
