if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
