My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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