She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
