Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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