After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
