Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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