Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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