Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
