Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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