Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
