the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
