I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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