Will you blow on my dice?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
