the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
