Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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