Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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