I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
