Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
