I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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