Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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