i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
