when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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