i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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